schizool.

I've decided that I hate school. I mean truly. I completely and honestly do. I wish that it would implode with me in it. I think the universe has alligned just enough to completely fuck me over. I've decided that if there is a God, he/she is out to get me. Now, I am completely aware that I sound just like whiny and bratty teenager. I cannot say I care too much about that. I am aware though. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I hate it here. I hate school. I hate the choices of schools out there for me to choose from. I hate that white station sucks so hard and I hate that I lost my biology cd-rom thingy. I hate that Mr. Whitehead probably doesn't like me and I hate that Mrs. Underwood thinks I'm a idiot. I reallly truly do. I fucking hate everything, including all that is Jesa. But you know what I really hate? I hate adults. God, they're so pointless. I mean, damn. If and when I grow old, I pray to whatever God that wants to listen that I don't turn into one. I'd rather die young, or not. I'd rather not die having only experienced the hell that is High School. I'd wanna die in my thirties, that way I'm not worried with popping out a couple kids and marrying some business man, whom I really don't love. He'll offer me stability though. Isn't that what all little girls dream of? Some marginally handsome man driving up in his almost new car and offering to make enough money for the both of us so that I can stay home and raise Becky and Tom. Fucking shit. Fuck this shit. I don't want to get married and I sure as hell don't want any fucking kids. I'm selfish that fucking way. Sue me sideways for all I care. Fuck. I mean, why do people even go to college? Why in the hell do people major in accounting? Why? Can someone tell me the reasons? I want to meet the weird kid who decides that calculus is his passion. None of us are truly special. We're not going to cure cancer or fucking find a way to achieve world peace. All of us- the overachievers, the underachievers and the just barely making it's, are going to grow up bitter and resentful. It's almost completely unavoidable. The pretty girls will grow into old ugly women who just love to stare at their yearbook photos and wonder where the time went. The ugly girls will grow up into ugly women who will stare at their yearbook photos and wonder when life's going to pick up. The jocks will grow into fucking angry as hell football coaches who are married to the bitter as hell former prom queens. The nerds will more than likely grow into average people with average incomes. They'll look back and fucking wonder who the fuck made up those stories about nerds growing into rich and good-looking CEOs. We'll go from being unhappy and uncomfortable with our bodies to even more displeased as time goes on. I think it all starts in school personally. I honestly do. Think about it- where do kids, children, what the hell ever learn how to behave and interact with one another? Where do people learn to taunt and tease? Where do we all learn that no matter how hard we try, we'll never truly be good enough? Having trouble? I'll give you a hint. The word I'm looking for rhymes with yule. I hate school. I hate the people. I fucking hate the atmosphere. I wish I could quit. However, in today's society, if I were to quit I would be looked at as a massive failure. I'd rather just get through it and then deal with the emotional strain on a later date. Preferrably, I'll pick up a drinking habit later on in life. Maybe end it all. Don't get me wrong, I think life is a pretty neat concept on paper. There is complete happiness out there, and there is true contentment somewhere. In fact when you find it, call me up. I'd love to hear about your experiences. I'd love to study philosophy one day. I really have no idea why. It seems interesting. See,I like to think about why we're here, but in the end I know deep down it doesn't matter. Knowing why the world was formed what fucking brighten my day. Knowing that God's name is Jane and she lives in Montana won't help me feel less lonely. Still, I'd like to know. See, beneath everything.. I still hold on strongly to hope. I think it keeps me going. I think it gets everyone going. I think even the most devout athiests have a little hope, somwhere deep down. Hope that maybe just maybe life does have some reason to it. Hope that maybe life is a question that can be answered, rather than a huge unending train of thought. There's hope in all of us. For one, I have hope that Tuesday, when it comes time for me to return to school- that maybe just maybe that cd-rom thingy will be in my locker, undamaged. It's probably not going to happen. My logical side refuses to let me believe that crazy locker story completely. I have hope though. I truly do. That's what's going to get me to school on Tuesday- bright-eyed and cheery, smiling wide and saying some silent pray to whatever God that wants to listen. It's what's going to get me through four years of fucking hell and four more. It's going to help get through marrying Mr. Dick and popping out his kids.Through it all, I can still hope that one day, life might suck less.